me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
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Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.