[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
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I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business