who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.