Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
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One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.