I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
put ‘er there pardner!
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Received some very disappointing news today
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
was Jim off killing horses or…
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.