I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
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[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.