@OhNoSheTwitnt
@YesImMatt A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
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@YesImMatt 
@CrockettForReal Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
@sixfootcandy Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
@patnspankme There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
@RuffaloShuffle Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
@ArfMeasures Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
@ericsshadow HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
@LurkAtHomeMom Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
@BraandoCommando Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money