I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

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A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”


Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers


Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.


There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.


Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”


Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.


Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds


Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.


Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money