@OhNoSheTwitnt

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

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@YesImMatt

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

@CrockettForReal

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

@sixfootcandy

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

@patnspankme

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

@RuffaloShuffle

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

@

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

@ArfMeasures

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

@LurkAtHomeMom

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

@BraandoCommando

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money