Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
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When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge