If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
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Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
*skinny dips into black hole
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.