[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.