I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
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Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
S M O L
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When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.