When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I can’t wait!
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do đź‘‘
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
had to share :’)
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade