Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
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These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love