Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
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Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
when mom throws a party…
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.