when mom throws a party…
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“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady