He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again