It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
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I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
at ease…shoulder.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
felt that
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me