MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
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did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope