Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO