let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
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Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
@ candidates for local office
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.