A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.