Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
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Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
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Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok