Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
You Might Also Like
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!