My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
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I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*