Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.