My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
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As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.