Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.