@Kadayo_Takamini Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
@clichedout Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
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@Kadayo_Takamini 
@lovemydogduck Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
@PhilJamesson if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
@RandiLawson Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
@squirrel74wkgn *gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
@Astute_Galoot “You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
@Jake_Vig George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
@tastefactory [robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
@jackiemonahan Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
@velvettusk I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”