Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
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My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Finally
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”