[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet