The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
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Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.