The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse