ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
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I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Good news
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
respect
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
You learn something every day
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything