I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
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Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.