Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”