Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
You Might Also Like
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
*lint rolls you awake*
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun