I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
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Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
what’s more important?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice