Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
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*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
“TGIM!” – My liver
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things