[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
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4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”