“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
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HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.