I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
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I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂