Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
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Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
HELP 😭
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.