My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
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They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.