GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter