I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
The days of good grammer has went
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
thank god the sign was there
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.