wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
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There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.