As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
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My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane