since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
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“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
me irl
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.