I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
necessity is the mother of invention
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold