I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
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An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct