My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no