I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
😂😂😂
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.