6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
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*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.